When you’re nearly 40 and unmarried, and you realize you’re going to be okay

https://medium.com/the-gathering-kind/when-you-re-nearly-40-and-unmarried-and-you-realize-you-re-going-to-be-okay-f1802188394d

A few weeks ago my best friend’s nine-year-old daughter and I were playing.

Our play consists of her sometimes weaving pink ribbons through my hair or me helping her assemble an imaginary set for a show she’s intent on producing (she’s creative, this one).

That day, after I affixed one of the many glittery crowns she owned on her head, she asked, Are you ever going to have children, Felicia?

I admired her moxie, the way in which she’s able to navigate terrain that one could consider a minefield.

Adults exercise politeness and discretion in a way that can sometimes be numbing, and it was such an odd relief to hear a child ask something so plainly–just because I’m the only woman she knows who doesn’t have a child of her own.

My best friend and I exchanged a look, and I replied, No, C. I don’t plan on having children. She appeared pensive, and after a few moments she nodded her head, said, okay, and we continued on with our play.

weave   vt. 编织；编排；使迂回前进

ribbon  n. 带；缎带；（勋章等的）绶带；带状物；勋表

imaginary  adj. 虚构的，假想的；想像的；虚数的

intent on  专心致志于

affix  vt. 粘上；署名；将罪责加之于

glittery  adj. 闪烁的，闪光的

crown  n. 王冠；花冠；王权；顶点

moxie  n. 精力；勇气

terrain  n. [地理] 地形，地势；领域；地带

minefield   n. 布雷区；充满隐伏危险的事物

discretion  n. 自由裁量权；谨慎；判断力；判定；考虑周到

numbing  adj. 使麻木的；使失去感觉的

odd   adj. 奇数的；古怪的；剩余的；临时的；零散的

relief  n. 救济；减轻，解除；安慰；浮雕

plainly  adv. 明白地；坦率地；平坦地；朴素地

pensive  adj. 沉思的，忧郁的；悲伤的，哀愁的

I did love, once. Yet it was love that was easily altered, one that had slowly come apart at the seams.

But for a time we lived a terrific photograph, and spoke of glinting diamonds, me swanning about in a white dress and children winding around my calves.

This life, while part of a defined plan I had for myself, felt distant, foreign–an uninhabited country for which I needed a visa and complicated paperwork for entry.

I never took to the idea of being owned by someone else; I never considered changing my name.

I never imagined myself in a white dress (I prefer blue), and I’ve never truly felt the maternal ache and tug as many of my dear friends who are mothers, describe.

Back then I viewed marriage as less of a partnership and more of a prison, but I imagine that had much to do with the man in my life.

Back then I slept on top sheets rather than between them, and I was forever poised for flight.

Back then I didn’t want children because I was certain I wouldn’t be any good at it considering my history.

altered 改变了的；蚀变的

come apart at the seams 分裂；崩溃，失败；衰落

terrific  极好的；极其的，非常的；可怕的

glint  使闪光；使发光

calves小牛；小腿；腓；呆子

uninhabited 无人居住的，杳无人迹的

maternal 母亲的；母性的；母系的；母体遗传的

ache   疼痛

tug  拖船；拖曳；苦干

top sheet上层床单

poised   泰然自若的，镇定的；平衡的，均衡的；摆好姿势不动的，静止的

After a couple of years of playing house, this great love and I experienced a drift and while he went on to marry and have a family of his own, I never once thought I’d missed out on my chance, rather, I was relieved.

I treasure my solitude, my freedom. I didn’t want to be harvested. Back then I had so much work ahead of me, work on my self, my character, that I knew I wouldn’t be much good to anyone else.

I knew I had to make myself whole and complete before I gave even a sliver of myself to someone else.

treasure  珍爱；珍藏

solitude  孤独；隐居；荒僻的地方