Too much thinking! Too much annoying.

I am now in great demand for an opportunity to yearn for, the ability to express myself, in a maximum scale to let other people know about me, and my feeling as well.

First: a good atmosphere could affect someone in a good way, and otherwise may be counterproductive. I am now temporarily living in one single room with my cousin, whose apartment is very near from my own worksite. He is a super-straight man, thinking everything evil and disgusting which has (even little) connection with the stuff like homosexuality. And therefore he get himself quite a different from as I live. I used to be very diligent in daily chores and he said he could remember that; and now I become a lazy and common person due to my present living habit and unhealthy mindset. While, the truth is he is in my mind, a very lazy person, as exactly as what he describes me. He has a single apartment which might size 25 square meters, with elaborated design and practical decoration (like chairs and balcony-sofa). The problem is he doesn’t often take good care of his room, like sweeping the floor, and collecting the dust. He also cook in this room. As a consequence a lot of flavors mixed with different origins stimulate your nose and mind. His solution to this was just nothing at all. He has blamed me for not helping him cleaning the floor and making the bed. Well the truth in China is: when you’re living under someone’s house, you have to take the owner’s orders into account. However, I forsake it. Most possibly reason is: I ignore this because he is my cousin, and as a relative who also comes from my father’s family part, I disrespected him unconsciously. He had done very sin-like stuff to me when I was very young and was having a resident identity in his family and house. He could do those unspeakable insulting things to me, well which after so many years I found affected me so much and haunts me so heavily. I suddenly stand at someone else’s point and judge on me, the conclusion is: I am of a pity, and devastation could be percept even not as tiny as a single drop of dust in air. My experiences could just be mine, but more of us in this world are sharing the same circumstances. (This world is twisted by those unseen and unknown forces, that we could not ever find or change, which is of a very sad story.)

Second: consumption is more than my income. I have been in an internship in an f-c, which doesn’t earn me much but can afford my controllable purchases. Once I claim for more it will become very disappointing and melancholy. One cannot cover his expenses, and then he or she is going to suffer from a certain series torment. I met Han Han a few days ago, and having had a night spent in embraces and kisses and oral sexes, I thought he could be the one (the one I admire for his courage, capability, talent, wealth and quality). Well then what I figure in my mind is to compare myself to him, to lift myself to the level as he in, as much as possible. Then I went to Xinhua Hospital, to claim for an operation on my penis, ‘cuz I had the covering skin too much and somehow affected my normal life in the past almost 8 years. I had mentioned this to my father a year ago, and what he said made me more timid and scare to tell other people the truth about my sexual organ. Also, I bought a brand new jacket online which cost a lot more than my average consumption amount. A playboy branded jacket costed 270 yuan, and a Tebu branded jacket costed me 260, and I guess I never have expended so much on my dressing. Now for what I do? In my opinion, for the lift-up to another level of living standard, and appearance standard.

Third: I have to say: I am now in danger. I have no idea how I perform in the f-c. So I don’t know if I could be excelling in things I need to master. Sometimes I just worry too much, but though they don’t make no sense.